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Author Topic: Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.  (Read 559 times)

SV

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Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.
« on: September 13, 2013, 10:06:05 AM »
I have already given feedback privately this week, but am looking to get some more for you guys over the weekend. I didn't see a Feedback topic for this cycle yet so with that in mind I thought I would start one.

On a personal note I wouldn't mind some feedback on my two RPs this time around, I don't normally ask but I changed it up with two NSFW RP's ans wondered how they came across ect.

Cheers in advance.



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Mason Pierce

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Re: Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 04:26:15 PM »
Wow.. just... wow.

In all honesty, and please don't take this the wrong way, I think things went a little too far into the NSFW realm. Maybe a little more than it needed to be. You're a great writer, don't get me wrong. But I think this week things went a little more Fifty Shades than wrestling. I totally get that you're trying something different- don't blame you one bit for that. Hell, I do it myself. Just this week I think personally, things might have gone a little far.

 

SV

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Re: Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 06:27:54 PM »
Wow.. just... wow.

In all honesty, and please don't take this the wrong way, I think things went a little too far into the NSFW realm. Maybe a little more than it needed to be. You're a great writer, don't get me wrong. But I think this week things went a little more Fifty Shades than wrestling. I totally get that you're trying something different- don't blame you one bit for that. Hell, I do it myself. Just this week I think personally, things might have gone a little far.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

My girlfriend owns Fifty Shades...THIS is at least 80% better written than that junk. Plus I base any an all sexual experiences my characters have on my own...Yes; I have been this whorish in my time, worse even...Anyway, I understand if this was a shock to the system in concerns to it's sexual nature, my point was and I hope it came across, that Tanya and the RPs I have read of Tanya have been heavily sexual thus far and so I wanted the overly sexual Tanya to face off against someone who is even more perverse than her...Maybe this didn't come off as well as I had hoped lol. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.



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Tanya Black

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Re: Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2013, 07:00:37 PM »
Yes Tanya has always had a sexual undercurrent to her character. The thing is it's done for two reasons: Lulz (hence her constant blushing with Kei's flirting) and because it's a reflection of Tanya's very physical based mindset. To her sex and sexuality is an important part of her life because it's a way of showing and getting pleasure based on being physically active.

I didn't MIND Valentine's promos. I don't mind your idea of trying to be the "dark side of the coin" with it. I just thought it could have been built up better. Like if the first was Valentine saying "Yeah I'd like to rape her. Break that girl down and make her cry and beg to me. God that's hot" amidst a more general promo. Sprinkles of it to ease folks into the idea of Valentine having specific thoughts along these lines for this specific opponent. THEN the second rp gives us the detailed, extended rant so we see that this has over the course of the between-show period slowly consumed him.

But that's just my pair of pennies.

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Re: Revolution 118 and Dominion 14 RP Feedback.
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2013, 05:42:38 PM »
TMB:
The TMB RP showed continuity in his mind set after the previous cycle.  He kept with the "disgruntled" theme and I think the theme fits his character well. I would like to see more of this from the character in future and also wouldn't mind seeing this side of him play out on the shows. "If he is so pissed off. Then what is he going to do about it?"

The only negatives for me where the lack of story and description (I'm a sucker for a good story and enjoy imagining the surroundings.) And this doesn't necessarily mean the setting was bad. A simple sit down interview can be a very effective way to get a point across and as I said I liked the fact that you went with disgruntled angle again as it suits the character. But I just feel the RP lacked a little personal touch from TMB.

Another issue I had was the line "Another religious man…another Paul Jarvis (Do Your Research)" to me it felt a little like a cop out way of insulting Matthews. Not everyone in SHOOT is going to get the reference and so it felt like an insider joke that I personally didn't get.

Overall, I like the mindset of TMB right now, but it feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing, that piece at least in my opinion is a story and perhaps something for TMB to focus on. Especially given the fact that he is a champion here in SHOOT.

Jerry Matthews:
The elements with Jerry and his fathers grave really stood out to me as the best part of the RP. It added depth to the character and also to his convictions. the fact that it's not only God that Jerry serves but also his fathers memory was a really cool hook. The photographs of Caden and Datura added a serial killer vibe (Trophies) which I also dug.

To me it seems that Jerry would be a good guy, if he wasn't so deluded and consumed by his convictions. I like that in a heel when his motives are righteous, however his execution is nothing short of insane.

You had a good flow with "Recent SHOOT events" followed by "Present time/story elements" and then finally trash. It all seemed to fit well together.

The only issue with the RP is that I wanted more and had hoped to see a second. But seeing as you both did one each I assume this was an agreement. I think however that Jerry has been a character in SHOOT long enough now and we really need to see him in a big feud and am looking forward to what you and JGKM do over this cycle.

Tanya Black:
Normally I would avoid feedback on my opponent. But you gave me some so I thought I would replay the favour.

The opening of the first RP, the lines about the house, about "Teenage Akwardness" it was all good. I would have liked to see more about those memories in the description. Because the way you worded that whole part was really well done, I would pay more attention to this in future because I think it is one of your strengths.

The dialogue had it's moments and I got a chuckle out of "Bulge Illusion;" you also know your character and sub characters really well and that comes out in your writing. One thing I will say is, that if anyone reading was unfamiliar with the colour scheme you use they may find the speech hard to follow.

I wasn't a big fan of the trash talk in the first; it seemed as if Tanya wasn't taking the match seriously with all the giggling and jokes. Considering the recent string of matches and personal beef with Orion I expected a little more seriousness.

The second RP was all trash talk; and the trash was a lot better than the first. There was still an element of "brush off anything he said and not take it seriously" which wasn't really selling the situation or match. But given that Tanya is a tough old cookie, perhaps that is her defence mechanism or way of dealing with shit.

I would have liked some story. As I said about the opening sentences in the first RP that it could be one of your strengths. You did, however make me think about doing something different in my second RP. I thought it would be interesting to react to an RP that was all trash by not having a word spoken at all in my second.

All in all. I enjoyed going up against you and wish you luck this week. I'd also love to see you employ a few of the things I said going forward, because I think they will really add to what you have been doing and also deepen the readers connection to Tanya.

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More Feedback to come...



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