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Author Topic: Dominion 12 Feedback  (Read 857 times)

T

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Dominion 12 Feedback
« on: August 20, 2013, 11:24:09 PM »
The Soldiers of the SHOOT Project continue to march on towards ELITE as Dominion is LIVE! The Main Event of the evening pits Jacob Mephisto against Donovan King for the final spot in the Primus! But, did that match happen? Was King able to compete? The opening match of the night sees Maya Nakashima go head to head with Laura Seton as the fan-dubbed LES BIEN explodes for a spot in the Primus! Also, Tanya Black squares off with Henry Gordon and Cronos Diamante collides with 3M! All that and more went down!

This is SHOOT Nation...Pledge Your Allegiance! This is...


Leave it here. Give both shows some love people. Or hate. Jump on the feedback wagon.


Former Sin City Champion (1x)
3/24/2013-9/2/2013


Jason

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2013, 01:03:43 AM »
Dominion Feedback

In Ring Segment

Trey's segment was good. He sold the beating from Revolution well, setting up the ladder match with Malice in logical form. If I had one suggestion, in an entrance the night after the beating he took, I found the kid and the belt thing to be a little too heavy handed. But that's personal preference. Otherwise, worked very well.

Laura vs. Maya

Poker Face? As if the RPs during the week didn't make me hate Laura enough.

I play Phoenix Wright too often, have to keep resetting my brain that Maya's a dude.

Match was brutal with an even more brutal ending. Felt my own neck twinge with that impact. Laura's one vicious opponent.

Damn her for looking like Jennifer Morrison.

Backstage Segment

Lollipop served Dahmer style, gotta love it. Good segment.

Backstage Segment

Segment was good, if maybe a little overlong for what it needed. Really stupid of Napalm to antagonize Cronos this close to his wedding, probably going to bite him on the ass. But we'll see.

Cronos Diamante vs. 3M

Great match. Perfect use of technician skill for brutal means. Spawn gets the win and hopefully keeps the Clown at bay for just a little longer.

Having just watched WrestleMania X8 with Kane vs Kurt Angle the other day, the use of 'head trauma' was funnier to me than it was probably intended.

Backstage Segment

Loco doing a good interview hyping the Primus. I have to look it up, I don't even know what the hell it is and I'm hyped for it.

In Ring Segment

Hey, it's me! Hopefully I'll get better once I get these twelve pounds of rust off. Just want to thank anybody reading this for the warm welcome I've received thus far. Nice to know a guy can always come home after he's left a mess in the kitchen.

Backstage Segment

Nice cadence from the preacher. Very believable in how his speech was scripted. Thumbs up.

Tanya Black vs. Henry Gordon

Good for Tanya, getting back on the win train. Match worked for what it needed to do. Can't all be five star classics.

Backstage Segment

Back ten minutes and I already got beef with somebody? And he's a champion? Marz may have put his entire leg into his mouth.

Dan did a nice job putting this segment in just a few minutes this morning. Look forward to working with him and seeing where it goes.

In Ring Segment

Well, that was certainly one hell of a clusterfuck. And I mean that in the most complimentary of ways. Everybody had a purpose for being out there, and even though I don't know him, I felt for Corey getting his face smashed in. So if it worked on me, probably even more so for those who were looking forward to his return.

Backstage Segment

For whatever reason, Wipo makes me think of De Santa from Red Dead Redemption with his delivery. Not sure why.

Good funny segment to lighten the mood. I might have put a match between that and the clusterfuck segment as it seems almost too quick to go from thumbtacks and glass to slapstick. But with only the ME to go, decisions had to be made.

Main Event

King showing up was obvious, but it was also the right thing to do, so it worked. Drag it out to the last possible second and go from there.

And that's where the obvious ends. You expect a come from behind, out of nowhere victory, and it's just an asskicking. That is called setup and delivery, and done very well.

3M coming out at the end I think became overexposure for him tonight. Especially with Corey getting laid out like he did, you'd think if not with Corey, he'd be turning over the arena looking for the members of Orion.

Overall

Dominion felt like one hell of a show. Some very minor gripes, but much more positive to say about it. Once again a solid outing from the SHOOT Soldiers. Nicely done.

Mirage

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2013, 02:23:16 AM »
I'm on the road right now going on a camping trip which I'll be returning from this Sunday, but coming in to say I agree on the single show overexposure, but that's being incorporated into the unfolding storyline (you'll see what I mean when I return).  Believe me this isn't lost on the aspect that 3M is doing too much and it won't be something I gloss over or pretend didn't happen.

Few other thoughts, amazing show, loved my match with Cronos, and the surprising defeat of King and the way it happened.  I wish I could post more on the two shows but I'm writing on my iPhone on the road at the moment.  ;)

B

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2013, 07:59:33 AM »
So...TIL Mirage makes things terrible when he doesn't stop showing up.

Huh.

Who knew.






Kenji Yamada

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2013, 02:08:14 PM »
Feedback:

In Ring with Trey: As I started to read the descriptions, I felt myself leaning towards the fact that there was a lot of straight telling and not much showing . What I mean by this, for example, is like this line, " He looks angry, tired, almost like he hasn’t slept since the night before". Now, this could just be part of my writing style so take this with a grain of salt, but I feel like painting a picture of a battle hardened and fatigued champion would have been better than just straight up telling us he hasn't slept since the night before. Show the details on his face that paint the picture, like "Newly formed wrinkled crinkle on his brow, heavy dark bags of light black weigh down his eyes, and his proud smile curves ever so slightly on dried cracked lips". I dunno, stylistic preference on my part so, again, take that with a grain of salt. I also kinda have to agree with Jason that a lot of the reactions seems a little heavy handed, this isn't to say people aren't going to be hype as shit for Trey but... it seemed a little much, like the arena "shaking" and the little boy with the title belt. As far as what was said, I felt like it was a solid face champion promo where he kinda lays the groundwork for the near future as far as his title is concerned. So, all in all, it was a solid opener that could maybe use some tweaks here and there.

Laura Seton vs. Maya: I'm not going to comment on this for a plethora of reasons.

Maximus/Valentine: I wasn't sold on this at all at first, the flamboyantly stereotypical gay character has always been on my pet peeve list and was a huge reason I made Maya the way he was, so at the outset I was just cringing. But as it went on it turned into a pretty decent beat down segment with Valentine using Maximus to send a message to Stein.

JN/Cronos: Again, at the outset, and maybe this is just stylistic on my part, but this like immediately made me stop reading, "Napalm hangs up the phone as he walks up to the catering table with some awesome food". You can't just tell me "awesome food" and expect me to get a solid image of the table of food you intended. Also, just in general, there were a lot of lines that seemed jumbled up and a little hard to read, for example:

"After the past few weeks there has been something fuming after Cronos' beatdown on Napalm. It did not settle well with him and then two weeks ago the altercation with El Asso Wipo. This time he wanted answers and he wasn't leaving the room until he got them. As he walks over to Cronos all he could do is sigh."

The tense is shifting all over the place, it's just cumbersome and confusing to read, in my opinion. Like, I found it hard to get through the rest of the segment after I hit this point because of it. I think one of the problems I had was similar to something Josh just said in his AMA, I think Napalm's stuff is too in your face and he just beats you over the head with it. I think there needs to be a little more subtle hints to work like this because it's all being clearly painted out as setting up a rather big affair between JN and Cronos at the eventual wedding.

Cronos vs. 3M:

I'm sorry, but comparing 3M to Spawn was a little much for me, it almost immediately took me out of the match. The match itself was pretty well written, but there were a few formatting mistakes that I caught. Crowd chanting should be bolded, and I think when Cronos is shouting at very least his name should be bolded and, depending on how loud, like if televised fans or just people in the arena or just 3M could hear it, the text he says should also be bolded accordingly. That's a bit nitpicky, but anyway, overally a solid emotional match that just had a few hiccups for my taste.

Loco Segment:

I dunno if it was just me but it looked like there was way too much spacing in this one. Like the spacebar accidentally got hit twice? I think I remember someone saying this was a common error when copypasta was done from Notepad. If that doesn't make sense, it would be  like  this  much  extra  space  which  is  kind  of  a  strain  on  the  eyes. As far as what Loco said, seemed like a pretty standard face promo hyping up the Primus and his previous encounter with two of the men that are going to be in it with him, and also Trey. Just the weird spacing threw me for a bit of a loop.

DHDM:

This was kinda spoiled for me a bit because I heard Jason mentioning in chat that he had sent a segment in so... I kinda figured it would be one where he makes his re-debut. Still, he's one of those names you hear thrown around in the circle quite a bit so it's good to see him back and look forward to where he goes from here.

Jerry Matthews:

When you prove to me I should care what you write by not no-showing a championship match, I'll give you feedback. That may sound harsh, but sorry, that's how I roll.

Tanya Black vs. Henry Gordon:

The outcome of this match, unfortunately, was no surprise to me. If there was one piece of advice I could offer to Rob, it would really be to step up the consistency. You can't wait until the day of the deadline to post your first promo and expect to come out on top, I'm sorry, especially against someone as consistent as OD. Anyway, the match was solid and showed off moments of conflict with Tanya, which were nice. Seems like she's trying to fight the urge to just go postal and keep some semblance of honor and sportsmanship in tact.

TMB Segment:

It's really good to see Dan just be champion and not try to throw some sort of craziness into the mix. It's just a standard promo where he responds to what DHDM said earlier, he doesn't throw the ROS Title into a wood chipper or anything, he just does his business.

In Ring Segment:

I don't know how I feel about this one, to be honest. All the parts that made up this segment were well written enough, but it was SO clustered and seemingly fragmented that I found myself getting lost in all of it. This could have easily been two segments throughout the night, the first being early on when Laz says his peace and then later on in the show, like where it is now, he gets jumped backstage and they fight him out to the ring where this next beatdown happens. I think it would have even worked better if Laz calls them out, they no sell the fuck out of his call out, and jump him backstage, berating him and telling him they damn well plan to finish the job.

But, again, that's another stylistic opinion of mine. If you guys love the way it turned out, then more power to you, that's just how I felt about it.

Backstage Segment:

I love ANARCHY, but I... don't quite get what this segment is doing here. I mean, it's amusing and funny, but it does almost nothing besides offer a bit of comic styling after a savage beat down. I guess it hints at a union between ANARCHY and Wipo but it doesn't really push anything so far as I can tell.

Main Event:

The main event worked out amazing for both people involved. On the one hand you have Mephisto being a complete and utter dick about everything, then you have King who just comes across as the poster boy for resilience and never saying die. Despite all the odds being stacked against him, he still comes out guns blazing even if it means his defeat. However, there were some formatting hiccups as I'm pretty sure at least the name, when Mephisto was speaking in the match, should have been bolded. And I'll have to second the notion that it's a little hard to buy 3M rushing out to the ring at this point, but I won't beat that dead horse into the ground anymore.

Feedback given.

*drops the mic*







There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.

xiv

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2013, 04:52:48 PM »
Yeah the only thing I can think of for the spacing...  I think I was double spacing after periods.   Also I oopsied, and had Masters throw it to Mary Kelly.  Should have been Kendrick.  I'll do full feedback sometime the next couple days.

B

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2013, 06:53:47 PM »
Names aren't bolded when not micced up.  If the words are caught by the camera, as Cronos and Mephisto's were, there isn't any bolding necessary.  Names are bolded for backstage and the commentators, whole sentences are bolded for in ring microphones.






Kenji Yamada

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Re: Dominion 12 Feedback
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2013, 07:13:29 PM »
Names aren't bolded when not micced up.  If the words are caught by the camera, as Cronos and Mephisto's were, there isn't any bolding necessary.  Names are bolded for backstage and the commentators, whole sentences are bolded for in ring microphones.

My bad, for some reason I thought otherwise. Disregard formatting issues in my feedback.

There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.