Table of Contents
Blaze Claymore for President!
A SHOOT Project logo appears on screen but then fades to reveal the face of Blaze Claymore who is, once again, in a blue three-piece suit and white dress shirt accented by gaudy red sunglasses.
Instead of a waving American flag, Blaze has looping footage of the Rocky Mountains, Golden Gate Bridge, Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, and other iconic American landmarks.
Blaze: America was built on the promise that everyone is created equal. That no matter one’s past, lineage, faith, or… lack of income – we are each entitled to JUSTICE under the eyes of the law… but that is NOT what I see here in SHOOT Project.
Blaze shakes his head in disappointment.
Blaze: This company, which fostered some of the biggest names in the industry, has become a plutocracy. That’s right. They have gone from being a PLANET to being just another piece of space debris floating along on reputation alone.
The SAG Award Winning* actor opens his arms widely in dramatic fashion.
Blaze: Tell me, fans, do you want to be associated with debris? I sure don’t. But… Lexi Gold? She’s a different story.
A dramatic pause.
Blaze: You would think with a last name like Gold, she would want to face the BEST this company has to offer but week after week the name “Blaze Claymore” is nowhere to be found on the call sheet. Meanwhile failures like Dan Stein get first, second, and third shots at the Shut Up and Fight title… and this week she ducks the issue by challenging my good, sweet, neutral friend Chadwick Kyle to try and get under my skin.
A photo of a mallard appears behind Blaze Claymore and, slowly, Lexi’s face is superimposed over the duck’s face.
Blaze: Quit ducking the issue Lexi. These people deserve to know the truth about Deep SHOOT and how you’re involved. They deserve MORE from their champions…
Another dramatic pause.
Blaze: They deserve CLAYMORE.
How Strong is Steel?
“The Greatest Show” blares across the PA system. Danni Johnson trots out, raising her arms up and down to fire up the crowd. Ria Lockhart slowly walks out, stoically bouncing up and down in a warmup. Danni gives Ria a playful slap on the arm before the two nod and start walking to the ring, with Ria in front. They get to the end of the ramp, rounding the corner… And Danni gives Ria a hard shove to the back, causing her to crash head first into the steel stairs!
Eryk Masters: What the hell?!
Other Guy: I think Ria tripped!
Eryk Masters: No way! Danni blatantly shoved her!
Their music dies down as Ria struggles to gain any kind of awareness. Blood begins to pour out of a wound on her forehead. Danni casually walks over, grabbing Ria by the hair before slamming her head off the stairs again!
Eryk Masters: Why?! WHY?!
Other Guy: I’m sure she has plenty of reasons!
Ria lays unmoving next to the ring. Danni pulls a chair from under the ring, sliding it inside. She pulls the mostly dead weight Ria up, tossing her into the ring. Same positions the chair to her liking nearby before turning her attention back to Ria. She pulls her fallen friend to her unsteady feet. Danni positions herself for a fireman’s carry. But as soon as she lifts Ria, she sends her crashing down onto the chair with a snap Death Valley Driver!
Eryk Masters: I’m just… I’m speechless.
Other Guy: I’m more than happy to sit back and watch without words!
Refs and medics rush to Ria’s aid, but Danni’s backed off by this point. She walks over to the far corner and demands a mic. Walking to the middle of the ring, the crowd showers Danni with boos.
Danni: As soon as you mouth breathers get it out of your system, I’ll go ahead and talk!
This does little to quiet the crowd, their vocal displeasure growing even louder. After about thirty seconds or so, Danni appears to be done waiting for them.
Danni: Ya know what, keep booing, I don’t give a shit! If there’s anyone you should be booing, it’s her!
Danni points to her best friend, who at this point is being loaded up on a stretcher.
Danni: How about I tell you troglodytes a story? I was back in Pennsylvania, living my life. I helped set up lighting rigs and other such crap during the day and by night, I wrestled. It wasn’t my ideal life, but it was fine for what it was. Out of the blue, I get a call from my “best friend”, Ria Lockhart. She wants me to come back to SHOOT Project. We’ll form a tag team, she tells me. I’m more interested in working as a singles wrestler, but cool. It’s my best friend! It’ll be fun!
Danni gives a sarcastic laugh while shaking her head.
Danni: Originally, I said no. SHOOT had ignored me before, why would it be different this time? Ria promised she’d have my back, that she’d take care of me. And hey, at first things were good! We were winning, our names were getting out there…
Danni’s face contorts in anger.
Danni: But I eventually noticed something. In all of our matches against lesser competition, she was always the one getting the fall. Don’t believe me? Go back and check! Every. Single. Time. Even on the house shows you idiots don’t see, she was getting the winning pins. Even her dumb ass noticed, because she swore it was a coincidence. She said she’d make it up to me. We’re gearing up for our tag title match at this point, so I let it go.
So then we do have the match with the Unholy Cyber Army, UCA! And we win! I end up in the hospital. It sucks, but whatever, we’re champs! The brain trust at SHOOT decides they’re gonna do a fun little thing where the champions choose their challengers. I figure I’ll put my faith in Ria and let her pick our opponents. Who does she choose? Her wet dream and a chick she hasn’t talked to in months! Why? Because friendship!
Danni pantomimes wanting to throw up before composing herself.
Danni: Not only that, she’s in that Battalion thing, even though we should be focusing on our title match. Not that it would’ve mattered, cuz lord knows she wasn’t gonna stay focused with Lindsay Troy standing across the ring from her! So we lose, with Ria tapping out. Hey Ria, maybe if you ask LT nicely, she’ll suddenly forget she’s straight and do that to you in the bedroom!
The boos pick back up, causing Danni to roll her eyes.
Danni: Again, you’re booing me when you should be booing Troy and Sepayakaka! Those two failures wanna call us flashes in the pan?! I don’t give a damn if those weren’t their words, they still said them! Hey LT, where’s your world title at?! It’s too bad Stabby McAsianFetish didn’t win the title, you could’ve grovelled to her for a shot before screwing another friend over! Ayumi, how’d the ApeX go for you?! Might wanna watch out, Lindsay seems pretty willing to dump losers. I mean, she did it to you once already, didn’t she? It’s kinda on brand for her. The most important person to Lindsay Troy is… Lindsay Troy. Maybe you two should stop throwing stones from your crappy glass houses. Ya know what? Go ahead and keep those tag titles because people were right. We were a flash in the pan, but that wasn’t because of me.
At this point, Ria has been taken backstage, leaving Danni all alone.
Danni: I’ve wasted enough of my time talking to you nimrods. I’ve got stuff to do. I’ll leave you with one last thing… LT can call herself the Queen of the Ring… But I’m an Empress.
Danni smirks as the last words leave her mouth. She casually tosses the mic over her shoulder before exiting the ring with jeers cascading down on her.
The Carolina Lions Vs. The Sisters of Steel...?
The SHOOT Project crowd is restless, waiting for the next match when an iconic piano intro begins to play…
Long long time ago, I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile…
Eryk Masters: What the hell…
Other Guy: Ohhh I love this song. Get a lighter out, Eryk.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they’d be happy for a while…
The words of Don McClean’s “American Pie” hang in the air before the song jumps ahead several bars into the chorus getting the crowd clapping along to the karaoke staple.
Eryk Masters: I don’t… whose music is this?
Other Guy is waving a lighter in the air next to Eryk, just vibing.
Other Guy: Whoever it is has great tas-
The crowd’s tone flips immediately as Blaze Claymore steps out from the back in a red, white, and blue suit sporting RayBan sunglasses and for the first time letting his hair down, hanging loosely and barely touching his shoulders.
Other Guy: I stand corrected. This is the worst thing to happen to American Pie since Madonna.
A confident-looking Claymore saunters down to the ring with a microphone already in hand as he ignores the chorus of boos and laughs coming from the crowd. Almost immediately a “CUCKMORE” chant starts, which Blaze cuts off by screaming into the microphone.
Blaze: MY FELLOW SHOOT PROJECT FAITHFUL! HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT!? GOOD! I LOVE TO HEAR IT.
Eryk Masters: He’s so oblivious.
Other Guy: Delusion is a hell of a drug.
Blaze Claymore takes his sunglasses off and places them gently in his suit jacket pocket.
Blaze: As you no-doubt know by now there is a great injustice, a systemic cancer that is ruining this once great company. Keeping you, the fans, from experiencing what you’ve all paid to see… NEW talent. EXCITING talent. Talent … like myself.
Blaze pauses as the fans rain boos down on the SAG Award Winning* actor. He simply shakes his head and holds a hand to his chest.
Blaze: Oh dear. It’s worse than I thought. The tendrils of Deep SHOOT have permeated well beyond the locker room and into the stands. I… I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to bring you the truth sooner, but because I am a fan of good, honest wrestling, I have been SILENCED and even now I am risking my life being out here to reveal these truths to you.
Other Guy: What the fuck is he talking about?
Eryk Masters: Forget it, he’s rolling.
Blaze: It has been MONTHS since I’ve been booked in a match – all because I’ve uncovered the truth that only a select few wrestlers, CHOSEN wrestlers have access to this ring. The powers that be don’t WANT me in the ring!
Eryk Masters: No one here tonight wants him in the ring.
They don’t want to book me in well-deserved championship matches because they know that I know what they know and what I know they know is bad if you know what they know that I know.
Other Guy: Uhh….
Blaze: Which brings me to Lexi Gold.
The crowd cheers.
Blaze: You cheer now, but in doing so you cheer your own demise. You cheer for mediocrity. You cheer for the status quo. You cheer for BLEH.
Blaze holds his nose.
Blaze: As if I needed to prove my point any further, this so-called champion has taken on only those she knows won’t push her to her limit. She wants to stay SAFE. And rather than take ME head on after her vicious, traumatizing assault on me she instead targets my good, simple, innocent friend Chadwick Kyle.
Chad, will you get out here please?
Blaze gestures toward the ramp.
MY NAME IS CHAAAAAAAAAD! CHAD KYLE!!!
“Bawitaba” by Kid Rock starts to explode, probably a little too loud, over the loud speaker as Chad Kyle makes his way out of the curtain. There’s actually more than a few fans cheering for him and a few on the ramp are actually reaching out to slap hands with Kyle. Overall though, there is still majority apathy from the SHOOT crowd. Chad makes his way to the ring, a smile beaming across his face, as he slides under the bottom rope.
Chad Kyle: Thanks for that great intro, Blaze. Hey guys, I just wanna tell you how surprised I was to see my name booked against Lexi Gold. At first I was pretty honored to be getting in the ring with her. I was like all of you guys. I thought that she was something pretty special.
Blaze places a hand on the back of Chad as Chad begins to hang his head just a little bit.
Chad Kyle: But then I learned the horrible truth. The truth that only a hero like Blaze Claymore could bring to life. Lexi Gold, from her Volcano Lair off the coast of Vegas Shores, is plotting some rather nefarious things indeed. Not only did she poison a beautiful Devil’s Food cake with her villainous lies, but she’s also been plotting to remove the moo milk from out cheese with almond milk. That’s right…nut milk. In. Our. Cheese.
Eryk Masters: OG, am I having a stroke? I think I may be having a stroke.
Other Guy: Do you smell almonds? Hear ringing in your ears? Who’s the president?
Blaze pats Chad on the back a few times as Chad lifts his head back up.
Blaze Claymore: All good, totally valid, points, Chad. What else ya got?
Chad gets even more excited.
Chad Kyle: I have some very reliable sources that are telling me all of the things that Judy McBadwoman has been doing in her spare time – OH – did you know that is her real name? Lexi Gold is just her stage name – a way to throw us off the trail. I’ve been compiling the evidence. Now she’s trying to shut me up. Because if you lose a Shut Up and Fight Championship match you legally can’t speak anything bad about the champion.
Eryk Masters: I just can’t… I can’t keep up with this nonsense.
Chad Kyle: Judy aka Lexi viciously attacked Blaze Claymore to keep him quiet. And when he tried to get a match to avenge himself, she ignored him. Somehow I’ve been challenged. Now I’m not built to play the avenger of the night, but it seems the role of hero has been thrust upon me.
Chad looks over to Blaze who gives him an approving nod and mouths “you’re doing good, buddy.”
Chad Kyle: Here’s the thing. SHOOT Project has been choking under the oppressive grasp of Dr. McBadwoman for too long. How long are we going to stand by and allow her to persecute Blaze, or fuel the heater in her Attack Shark Tank with babies? Or replace our sugar with simple table salt? She can’t even give us the cool pink Himalayan Salt. No. Plain Ole girl in a raincoat salt. I just want to thank Blaze for opening my eyes to the true evil that is Dr. Judy Deviant McBadwoman. Without his guidance, we never would have even begun to unravel the true depths of her evil plot.
“5 out of 6” by Dessa interrupts and Lexi Gold rushing down to the ring with a mic and her Shut Up and Fight Championship around her waist. Also, she was already in her ring gear. She walks up the steps and enters the ring through the bottom rope, then looks at both Chad and Blaze with a CLEARLY unamused expression. She waits for her music to die before raising the mic to her lips. The fans cheer her on in support.
Lexi Gold: I believe comedy hour is finished around here. I couldn’t stand by and listen any longer to this nonsense you two are spewing. You make me out to be the bad person in this whole situation, but you should both look in the mirror at yourselves, then you will really see who personifies bad.
Blaze drops his guard for a split second, looking visibly excited that someone called him “bad” before recomposing himself.
Blaze: Of course YOU would say that, Lexi Luthor. You’re a MASTER of manipulation… but I think the true, uncorrupted fans of SHOOT Project know who has the best interests of this company at heart.
As he says this, the fans break into a roaring chant.
Crowd: LEX-I GOLD! LEX-I GOLD!
Blaze: Exactly! LEXI SOLD …. US OUT is what they are trying to say. Can’t you hear it!?
Chad looks around trying REALLY hard to hear it.
Lexi Gold: Clear your ears, dude. Maybe if you spent less time dragging my name through the mud, and respecting the people around you, then maybe you would get that type of reaction too, but instead it’s week after week of lies and bullshit, and now you got Chad involved. You forced him into signing my signature on a piece of paper.
Lexi lowers the mic and appears infuriated as she steps up closer to Blaze and the two are nose to nose now, then places the mic closer to her lips again, looking him in the eye with a serious expression.
Lexi Gold: You cried about me not giving you a proper match, so here we are in the center of the ring doing nothing but running our mouths. Let’s change that and fight it out, tough guy. I don’t care if I have to fight twice in one night. I’m capable of handling that pressure, and plus getting my hands on you is worth it.
Blaze raises his microphone and tries to make himself look confident.
Blaze: You know, Lexi, I just have one thing to say…
Lexi leans back in amusement.
Blaze leans forward and quickly shoves Lexi’s shoulder before turning and running out of the ring as fast as he possibly can.
Blaze: Tag! You’re it!
Lexi screams in surprise and anger as Blaze hops the arena barricade and keeps running, jumping on and over fans as he screams into the microphone.
Blaze: I believe in you, Chad!
Other Guy: Awwww. That’s nice.
Eryk Masters: Are you serious?!
Other Guy: Fuck no.
A confused-but-beaming Chadwick Kyle turns to find a furious Lexi Gold ready to unleash hell.
Chadwick Kyle Vs. Lexi Gold (c)
sVo presents: Uprising 20!
Fear & Loathing Vs. SAIGO
Blaze Claymore for President?
A SHOOT Project logo appears on screen, rapidly fading into a shot of a manic-looking Blaze Claymore – his hair wildly out of place and his eyes darting from side to side.
There is no stock footage behind him; rather, the footage is shaky, iPhone footage of Blaze crouched in a corner somewhere in the Epicenter, whispering.
Blaze: SHOOT Project faithful, earlier tonight you saw, with your own eyes, the absolute terror, the absolute dictatorship that Lexi Gold wants for this company because of her role in the Deep SHOOT conspiracy.
Blaze pauses as the sound of footsteps echo nearby. Once they are out of earshot, he continues.
Blaze: All I did in that ring was tell the truth; use my First Amendment rights to protest and I was not only SILENCED, but I was threatened with bodily harm. ME! Someone who has done nothing but provide the entertainment, the engagement these fans crave so much.
Blaze loosens his tie nervously.
Blaze: Unfortunately, SHOOT Project faithful, I am going to have to go into hiding. Possibly into witness protection. I’ve had conversations with the FBI, the CIA, the DOD, the NSA, the PTA, the YMCA… and my testimony, what I know, it will bring this entire house of cards tumbling down harder than Netflix’s Emmy-Award winning series House of Cards starring Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, which, I will have you know, I turned down a role on and…
Blaze cuts himself off as he stands up, hearing something in the distance the microphone can’t make out.
Blaze: They’ve found me. I have to leave you now and I’m not sure when you’ll see me again, but until you do – remember that you deserve more SHOOT. You deserve…. CLAYMORE.
A distracted looking Blaze stands up and begins to back away from the scene before the footage cuts abruptly.
Laura Seton Vs. El Paria
Mary Kelly is SO Rude.
Eryk Masters: Man, El Paria has not had a great run with these two shows. Lost at Ruination against the debuting Danny V5, lost here against Laura Seton.
Other Guy: You’d figure he’s got to start winning at some point, right? How can he possibly expect to get a Sin City Championship match without, you know… earning it?
Eryk Masters: Great question. Maybe his plan is to just mess with Jamie Johnson enough that Jamie just… gives in? It’s happened before?
Other Guy: It has, but all of that aside, we’ve got the main event up next and right before that, we’re headed to the back with Mary Kelly!
Mary Kelly is standing by as we head backstage. She’s joined by the venerable, amazing, wonderful, stupendous, fascinating, and did we mention wonderful former SHOOT Project World Heavyweight Champion… Joshua Breedlove.
Mary Kelly: So, you were told to–
Joshua Breedlove: Mary Mary Mary… no “Welcome back, Josh!” no “is your contract situation resolved and are you back full time?” no… it just seems like you don’t care, Mary Kelly.
Mary looks at him for a second, pondering her response.
Mary Kelly: (sighing) So, you were told to find a tag partner for this match against Ignatius Albert Martin, the REIGNING SHOOT Project World Heavyweight Champion. We’ve yet to hear from IAM about who his partner is, but have you found yours?
Joshua Breedlove: Listen, Mary. There’s a couple of things that you got wrong in that question. Allow me to correct you. First, Ignatius Albert Martin is the future former SHOOT Project World Heavyweight Champion. Call him “reigning” or “current” if you want, but the reality is that when we square up at Redemption? That’ll be that.
Mary Kelly: Sure, whatever you say. But the tag team partner?
Joshua Breedlove: I’m not sure what it is that has you being so rude to me, but I have had about enough of it. Yes, I have found my tag team partner and you’ll all be shocked to find out that it’s NOT a member of the Empire.
The crowd gives off an sound that conveys confusion.
Joshua Breedlove: I know, it surprised me too, but I wanted this to be quite a surprise for Ignatius and whatever poor soul he chooses and it’s well known that I COULD have chosen anyone from the Empire. Could have gone with KIMO, too, but that guy is living it up in Hawaii or something right now after his last run against Buck Dresden, soooo…
Mary Kelly: Can you just tell us who it is?
Joshua Breedlove: SO. RUDE. I’ll gladly tell you. My tag team partner… in the main event… against the future former SHOOT Project World Heavyweight Champion… and the irrelevant choice that IAM makes is…
Instead of saying it, he motions over to the side, and the giant, intimidating, massive visage that is VOID appears! He is dressed…completely different. The crowd is SHOCKED, as is Mary Kelly, but before she can get her next words out, the World Heavyweight Champion steps into the frame!
IAM: Good choice, Breedlove. It’s different. Surprising. Provocative, right? The funny thing is, I had a little bit of an ace up my sleeve too, because I too thought about KIMO. I even called him, but it’s like you said… he’s resting up right now. Then I kept thinking about KIMO and I started thinking about a guy that… well, I don’t have a fancy reveal or anything, but my tag team partner is none other than SHOOT Project Hall of Famer… BUCK. DRESDEN.
The crowd goes WILD for that as Buck Dresden steps into the frame, next to IAM and across from Breedlove and Void. He wears a smirk on his face and starts to speak.
Buck Dresden: You ‘n’ me, we got some business together, don’t we? God knows you remind everybody as soon as I open my mouth so I figured, Martin needs a tag partner and why the hell not? Besides, Iggy Pop over here had a need, an’ one thing I’m gonna do is take a good long look at this division, includin’ you. See you in the ring, kid.
Breedlove is BESIDE himself as Mary Kelly has stepped away from the scene.
Breedlove: Fuck all of this. Fuck you, IAM. And especially fuck you, Buck Dresden. I look forward to watching MY GUY VOID EAT YOUR FACE. Did you SEE what he did to Dan Stein?! NO?! WELL GO BACK AND WATCH T–
The scene cuts from the back and heads quickly back to Eryk Masters and Other Guy!
Eryk Masters: What! We’re back! I can’t believe they just cut my guy Joshua Breedlove off like that! We’ve got a KILLER match set for the main event now, god DAMN.
Other Guy: That’s right, you’ve learned it at the same time we did, folks. Buck Dresden is going to team with IAM to take on Joshua Breedlove and his partner… VOID. That match is NOW.