The show opens with Abigail Chase, and she’s standing next to a pair of big cornfed Indiana boys. We can tell they’re the Colton cousins, because they have their names on their jackets. They’re very thoughtful like that.

Abigail Chase: Hello, fans! I’m here right now with the 2023 Masters of the Mat, Benjamin and Dennis Colton! Gentlemen, you’re about to challenge for the SHOOT Project Tag Team Titles for the first time! Tell us, how are you feeling heading into the match?

Benjamin Colton: Oooooohhhh, Abby Kadabby!

Abigail Chase: That’s not my name.

Benjamin Colton: I apologize. But one thing I won’t apologize for is what we’re about to do to the Carolina Lions!

Dennis Colton: Mr. Smooth, Mr. Smoke…I’ll say this for you. You recognize greatness when you see it. ‘Cause since the day we walked into this place, you two recognized us…and you saw your chance to push yourself higher. Never mind that you already had the belts, you were already the top team in the company. You were so scared about someone else stealing your spotlight that you took every chance you had to run us down.

Benjamin Colton: Push us down.

Dennis Colton: Knock us down.

Benjamin Colton: Break us down.

Dennis Colton: And did it work?

Benjamin Colton: Go on, Abigail. Did it?

Abigail Chase: Well, you won the Masters of the Mat Tag Team Tournament…so, I suppose not.

Benjamin Colton: You suppose CORRECT! We took on everyone that SHOOT put in front of us…Unholy Cyber Army, Spinebuster Island, Boomer Shooters, Fear & Loathing…and every time, every SINGLE time, the Coltons came out on top!

Dennis Colton: And that sent the Scaredy Cats running. Because suddenly they knew they couldn’t bully us, like they do everyone else. No matter what kind of trash they talk, we know exactly who we are. And who are we, Benny?

Benjamin Colton: We are six hundred combined pounds of tag team virtuosity and wrestling badassery.

Dennis Colton: That’s not a word, and that’s not our combined weight.

Benjamin Colton: Shush. We are the sexiest, flexiest, Peanut Butter Chex-iest tag team that’s ever lived. We are the By God A-Number One, here in SHOOT or anywhere else. And we are the ones who are going to beat every kind of hell outta the Carolina Lions, take their gold, and kick them out into the Shadowlands.

Dennis Colton: Get it? ‘Cause, Lion King.

Abigail Chase: I get it. But wouldn’t that make you the hyenas?

Benjamin Colton: …

Dennis Colton: Oh look, Benny didn’t think his metaphor all the way through. Imagine that.

Benjamin Colton: Coulda sworn I told you to shush. The point is, tonight’s the night we take our place at the top of the mountain. We’ve taken on all comers. We Mastered the Mat. Now all that’s left is to hold the gold. Big man! Preach it.

Dennis Colton: I can’t. You told me to shush.

Benjamin Colton: WELL UN-SHUSH I NEED YOU TO LAND THIS THING

Dennis Colton: Carolina Lions! I know you’ve enjoyed being the champions. Acting like the biggest, meanest, baddest cats, looking down on everyone else from your thrones. Well, it’s time you found out there’s more to being the king of the jungle than strutting around and roaring.  You really wanna prove you’re Lions?

Benjamin Colton: Show us your teeth.

Abigail Chase: There you have it! The challengers are ready to prove they have what it takes to become champions! One thing’s for sure, this should be a match for the ages! Back to you guys!

Only the camera doesn’t cut away just yet. Benny and Denny hold their pose; Abigail just kind of stares awkwardly.

Abigail Chase: I’m surprised you’re not trying to hit on me again.

Benjamin Colton: You said no, and I respect that.

Abigail Chase: Ah.

The scene opens up backstage on the SHOOT Project interview set. Draped across covering up the SHOOT Project logo is a Canadian flag. Standing in front of the flag is a young man decked out in a reds and white, looking like a true representation of Canada. With a big smile across his face, the man begins to speak. 

???: Hello folks, my name is Roy Vezina and I am here today to talk to you about how you can better yourself. Why would you want to sit there, fat, unmotivated, lonely when you could be living your best life by utilizing my patented “Yes I Can-ada!” self help system! See, growing up in a small town in the great country of Canada, I was able to learn at a young age the value of hard work. My parents lived the Canadian way and taught me that if I put my mind to it, I can do it. So, after many years of being a huge success in the fine Great White North, I decided to come down here and get you people believing in yourselves! You guys can do it. You are more than lazy, whiny pity parties who rather live off the government than take control of your destiny and make something of yourselves. 

Roy smirks and playfully shakes his head. 

Roy Vezina: For an easy three payments of 49.95 Canadian, you can be the proud owner of this life changing book, “Yes I Can-ada!” and take the first step in better yourself. 

Vezina holds up a copy of his book, with the cover showing an extraordinary portrait of him shirtless sitting on top of a tiger while holding a spear.

Roy Vezina: I am here to help you, not for the money but because I care. I am your biggest supporter and I will be there along the way as you journey to be the best version of yourself by living the way we will Canada live, the maple leaf kind of way. Fans, I can already tell that we are going to really appreciate each other and you will really appreciate what my fantastic system can do for you so have your credit cards ready and give me a call at +19374226232. I can’t wait to hear from you! And remember, yes you Can-ada!!

With that the wide smiling Roy Vezina waves goodbye to his… fans? as the camera cuts back to ringside.

Alright y’all let’s take a trip to the garage entrance of the Epicenter.  You know – where all the soldiers arrive in their prized bougie buggies.  What your eyes are focused on is a pearl white 2023 Chevy Suburban, laid the eff out, that $91,000 MSRP, as it slowly strolls into the equipment littered garage.  

The deluxe SUV slows down and comes to a halt. We need to see who’s inside of course, but the tinted windows hinder that.  Abigail Chase steps into frame, looking like a dime piece, and she struts her stuff toward the Burb to get an up close and personal interaction with the individual(s) inside.  

The back passenger door on the driver’s side slowly opens and the first thing noticeable is the size 13 Nike Air Jordan 1, that retro fire trophy room kick.  We’re talking about that red and white with the star spangled sole and MJ facsimile on the heel.  Then the other shoe drops.  This individual is tailored.  Are those dark blue Bruno Cucinelli slacks?  No need to follow that up because we get the answer asap, and the crowd can be heard with a shockingly exceptional cheer.  

Black Sheep Baez is indeed tailored in a Bruno Cucinelli, but that smile is all naturAL.  You know how these shows are produced because we got a guy in gorilla directing that operator to inch closer and zoom in on Black Sheep’s adorable mug.  He tugs at the lapels of the single breasted suit and adjusts a SHOOT Project soldier helmet cufflink.  Dude’s drip is on point.  Did we add that his eyes are shaded from that ruthless Nevada sun with a pair of Balmain Wonderboy III’s?  Well, we just did.  He removes the glasses and gives Abigail his undivided attention.

Abigail Chase:  Black Sheep Baez it is great to see you back in the Epicenter and as you can tell: it seems as if the fans can all agree with me that your return has been highly anticipated.  

Black Sheep Baez:  YO ABBY!  ABIGAIL! ABBY-BABYYY!  GYOT DAYUM! 

Yes, he just unbuttoned his suit and now has to show off a quick little spin and click of the heels.  He’s lit up!  Abigail takes a step back and shares a surprising smirk.

Black Sheep Baez: Abby, and if I may call you that? You have GOT to believe that when the doctor told me I was cleared to return I got a little outta control.  Nah, not just outta control.  Ecstatic and anxious AS EFF.  LITTY LIT LIT YO! Bae, the story goes, ya boi was down and out.  Ya boi was worried.  Ya boi was lost for words.  Somehow my body decided that the lower part of my spine didn’t wanna co-op-erate.  So, enter the world of a laminectomy.  

Black Sheep Baez: LaminectaWHAT?  Yo, I had part of my spine removed, and then I had to have it all fused back together.  A near four hour process.  This is a normal issue, apparently, but here I thought ya boi was finished, finito, concluded, ashes to ashes.  Nah.  I got that spine back in workin’ order, AbBAE! I’m keepin it a solid one hunnit and let’s just say that I’m in ‘PREMIER’ shape.

Don’t just think that ya boi doesn’t smirk at his own witticisms.  He liked that and owned every bit of it with a proud grin.  However, Abigail digs in and asks the hard hitting questions.

Abigail Chase:  Well we’re excited that you’re healthy and ready to compete, and speaking of that: you’ve got quite the debut tonight as you return to action not just against one competitor, but three.  And, as you just so hinted, your match is for the SHOOT Project Premier Championship in the Revolution main event!  You could be the inaugural champion tonight upon your return!  

There’s a brief pause as BSB nods and takes a moment to ponder her selling of tonight’s four-way.  That moment doesn’t last long and Baez’s charming smile is once again behind the mic.

Black Sheep Baez: Lawdy-lawd-lawd I’ve mentioned this so much but I am foreva humbled.  In my short time with the SHOOT Project I’ve had a chance to compete for the world heavyweight championship.  Now I’m booked to potentially be the first SHOOT Project Premier campeon?  This is my time, Abby.  My story!  The B-S-B telenovella.  The whole Phoenix from the ashes stuff.  

Black Sheep Baez: Bet.  What didn’t kill me made me strong as FUCK and I’m about to get out there tonight and gain some content for this legendary tale.  I’m gonna bring the Baez surname back to greatness.  Money on my name.  This is one of those historical comeback moments every wrestler dreams of.  

Black Sheep Baez: Looka-here, sometimes life gives you lemons, and sometimes life straight up disrespects your vertebrae, and when that all happens?  Well, bae, let me just say that we take those lemons, cut them up into itty-bitty wedges, put them sumbatches into a juicy ass cocktail, tell my damaged vertebrae to KICK ROCKS, buy a five grand outfit, get picked up in a GOT DAMN Burballac Ghetto Bus, slap some bars to some LUDA and get my beautiful caramel ass back to the Epicenter to KICK SOME ROOTY TOOTY BOUGIE BOOTY! ON GAWD!

Baez just soaks it in.  He can hear the cheers as the volume increases.  He closes his eyes, tilts his head, and inhales the vibe.

Abigail Chase: That story continues with the work that you’ve got cut out for you this evening.  We’re talking about RAIKO, Laura Seton, and someone you’re all too familiar with, Lexi Gold.  Each one of these ladies is a premier athlete and would absolutely define what it means to wear that belt around their waist.  

Black Sheep Baez: Mhmm, right on.

Abigail Chase: The former Iron Fist champion and 2022 Redemption Rumble winner is a force of nature.  The former Rules of Surrender champion is a veteran that is a nasty in-ring performer.  Then there’s the former Shut Up and Fight champion who’s also shared the wealth of the Iron Fist title.  A lot of gold.  So much talent.  You’re returning against a trifecta who want nothing more but to be at the top of the mountain much like yourself.

Black Sheep Baez:  Yo I have nothing but respect for all three of those beautiful women. Yes, even the fork weildin one-eyed RAIKO.  They’re inspiring in every way.  An inspiration to all the women in the world who think they don’t have a chance.  Las mujeres son fruto de la tierra.  Ya’ll got this world by the testiculos.  Right here.  Right now.  Just take a look at the talent this company has produced over the years and the current pool of future hall of famers.  Facts on stacks of facts, yo.  

Black Sheep Baez:  Ya’ll don’t think ya boi forgot how to do this, did you?  Naw, ya boi is locked and loaded.  Ya boi is GEEKED.  Imma get out there and do what I do, ya feel me?  I’m dressed to impress and Imma wrestle like papi taught me.  Shimmy and shake.  Lucha contra mi trasero.  Bring that A game, yo.  Business is business, Abigail, but you got damn right, bae.  I got my work cut out for me.  My newly repaired back is against a wall.  I got three hot dames staring into my soul and all they see is gold.  Not gonna lie, but I think I need to get movin’ so that I’m mentally prepped for what I’m about to endure.  Shit’s about to get real, real quick.

The interview is over, and Black Sheep buttons his suit and starts to walk past Abigail.  Or, maybe it isn’t over?  He stops and turns to Chase.

Black Sheep Baez: Where are my manners?  I appreciate you and your time.  Muchas gracias.  Here’s to hopin that the next time we meet – on gawd – I’ll have some gold to show off.  [He spells out the word with each finger] B-E-T, [and like a drum stick to a symbol…] BET! 

And, with that, my friends, the potential inaugural SHOOT Project Premier Champion struts off with a gigantic pearly white grin.  Abigail Chase nods with a faithful smirk as we cut to ringside.

The lonesome opening guitar riff of “Lexapro” by VOIID hits on the soundsystem.

Eryk Masters: Someone got new entrance music.

Out from the curtain comes Miranda DC wearing the Sin City Championship, head down. She raises her arm and then her head.

RAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

“And you tell me, you’re too pretty. You’re too pretty to be sad.”

She looks around the arena before moving towards the ring.

Eryk Masters: I wonder what brings her out here tonight after that grueling match at Ruination where she cemented her place in SHOOT Project’s history by dethroning its longest reigning Sin City Champion ever.

Other Guy: Well, I’m not going to complain about seeing her out here, even though she doesn’t have that classic Peach Backshots look.

Eryk Masters: C’mon man, she’s leaving that name behind.

Miranda gets into the ring, heads over to the side of the ring where the ring announcer is, and grabs a microphone.

Miranda DC: What’s up, SHOOT Nation!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

Miranda DC: Big night last night at Ruination, huh? I won THIS…

She pats her new belt

Miranda DC: But no matter what happened last night, I have something to get off my chest tonight. And it has to do with my future here in SHOOT Project.

Other Guy: She’s outta here already? But she just got here!

Eryk Masters: This could be a lot of things.

The crowd is abuzz with confusion and tension.

Miranda DC: Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, guys. No, I’m just here to address the elephant in the room.

Booming Voice from Backstage over the Loudspeaker: Oh, I’m an elephant now?

Out of the back storms one Felix Mullen with a microphone in hand.

Felix Mullen: You storm out of our apartment, don’t acknowledge my ascension as the Last King of Versailles, and ignore all my calls, just so you can come and speak on our relationship out here in front of these low-information lumpenproles?

He climbs into the ring and gets right into his girlfriend’s face.

Felix Mullen: Are you really going to do this without saying it to my face?

Miranda gives him the deep eye-roll and yuck face before getting back to her microphone.

Miranda DC: You really are an egomaniac. All the shit you’ve pulled, I maybe should break up with you, but that’s not what I’m here for. It does involve you, or it did. I was just going to say that since you seem to think you’re ready to hop in a time machine and go fight in The Asylum and that I’m doing alright in singles that this tag team thing is pretty much over.

The crowd goes “OOOOOOOOOH!” at the announcement, even though it’s not nearly as spicy as it could be.

Felix Mullen: Well, you are astute in observing that. Quite frankly, Miranda, you’ve held me back.

Eryk Masters: I don’t think that’s quite the case.

Other Guy: I mean, he did paint the canvas red with Pigpen’s blood at Master of the Mat.

Eryk Masters: And Miranda won the Sin City Championship from Jaime Johnson in a match with Dan Stein and Timothy Roy.

Felix Mullen: In fact, I think you’ve been holding me back for too long. You see, you may not have been breaking up with me before I came out, but…

The crowd gasps as Moriton, dressed in his traditional Mongol bokh gear, hops the rail and sneaks up behind Miranda.

Felix Mullen: …I’ve been thinking, and, well, Mira. It’s not me.

Moriton turns Miranda around and PLANTS her with his uranage, causing her to hit the canvas with a sickening thud.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Felix Mullen: (bending over atop the fallen Miranda) It’s you.

Eryk Masters: NO! What a sickening display here! I can’t believe it!

Other Guy: I hate to disagree with you or agree with him, but if he’s been calling her to no answer, it’s the smart thing to do!

Eryk Masters: Breaking up with her is one thing, but to do it via sneak attack?

Felix raises his arms as trash flies into the ring at him while Moriton stands with a scowl on his face. They both stroll to the back while the medical team rushes out to attend to Miranda.

As the sun rises over Las Vegas, so too do two SHOOT Project fighters rise – from their room – and make their way into the lobby of the Las Vegas Sin and Suites Motel.

Chick Grillbreast: Dan Dragon! You have such a big Bulbasaur! How!?

Daihm Ferguson: Well, you see, it’s sort of random. Some people have big ones and others have small ones.

Chick Grillbreast: ARGH! I WANT A BIG BULBASAUR TOO!

Daihm Ferguson: There’s other ways too; we just need to find the right kind of candy.

As the pair of SHOOT soldiers make their way into the motel lobby they bicker back and forth – only acknowledging the attendant when he loudly clears his throat.

Man: I take it everything was to your liking and you got everything you needed for your special night?

Chick nods furiously.

Chick Grillbreast: I’ve never seen a bed that jumps before! I used all my quarters!

Daihm hides his face as Chick just beams, unironically, at what he just said.

Man: Well, I do so appreciate you both for choosing to stay with us and let me just say that it is a real treat seeing such a cute couple use our establishment. Our clientele is usually a bit… less refined.

Chick is already headed out the door while Daihm nods and awkwardly leaves, following Chick.

Chick Grillbreast: Dan Dragon! Now that you have a charged phone we can go find that Spoink! I wanted Spoink so much last night but we were both so tired. Now we’re rested and we just need to find some place where we can find Spoink!

Daihm laughs nervously as he checks his phone’s GPS.

Daihm Ferguson: Cripes! According to this we walked six miles away from the Epicenter. It’ll be a hell of a trek back. You OK to walk, Chick, or do you want to Uber?

Chick is almost skipping ahead as he turns around and flashes a genuine smile at Daihm.

Chick Grillbreast: I GO WHERE DAN DRAGON GOES!

Chick claps his hands together.

Chick Grillbreast: DAN DRAGON MAKES ME…!

Daihm raises his eyebrows.

Chick Grillbreast: SO GLAD!

Daihm lets out a laugh and catches up to Chick, squeezing his muscly arm a bit as they trek back home towards the Epicenter.

The usual scene backstage.  Crew working.  Random SHOOT soldiers wandering around. The electric crowd buzzes and rumbles through the Epicenter hallways.  Then there’s a small vocal eruption like an agitated volcano.  Why? There’s an apparent cult of Black Sheep Baez fans in the building! Ya boi struts into frame wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt, nostalgic in flavor, because it’s reppin the Up In Smoke tour of 2000 (the shirt with Dre, Em and Ice Cube on the front; it’s fire).

It’s obvious BSB is ready for his match tonight because he’s wearing his ring gear.  He adjusts an elbow pad, smacks his chest, stretches his arms and keeps his eyes forward.  What do his marble blue eyes spy?  Why, is that Madison Seton? It is!  Baez is a man of the people, so you better believe he’s getting that right hand ready for some skin and respect.

Black Sheep Baez: Ayyye, Maddawg, what’s good queen?  

Nah, she’s not here for a laurel and hearty.  She leaves him hangin’, dusty, you can almost hear the losers theme from the Price is Right.

While the look isn’t good, it’s not necessarily from disrespect.  She has an eyebrow raised and confusion seems aplenty on her.

Madison Seton: Que?

Oh, some lingua franca?  Ya boi is impressed, and he gives Madison a nod of approval.

Black Sheep Baez: Lo siento nena dejame reformular eso …

Perhaps Baez needs to be more direct?  He closes the gap with a friendly smile, leans forward, and politely responds.

Black Sheep Baez: How’s it goin?

Madison’s face lights up as she gets lingo she understands.  She nods.

Madison Seton: All good here.  Just waiting on the finale aqui.  You ready?

Black Sheep Baez:  Never been more ready in my life.  Slipped in the drip, equipped with gonzo levels of hype, geeked to the got damn gills, and experiencing some kinda cosmic level up.  Ya pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, Madzilla?  Ya slammin’ my dunk?  Not gonna lie, but the real question gotta be this: you ready to witness this comeback though?  Because tonight is about to be LIT!

Let’s not forget that Madison Seton struggles with the tongue of an urban warrior (see their mini saga in the spitter), so BSB attempts to accommodate.

Black Sheep Baez: I can go get us an interpreter if you’re gettin twisted around my words.  You good?  Gucci?

Madison nearly goes cross-eyed in confusion.  Try as she might, she’s not getting what Baez is serving.  She has a shake of her head and throws her dark brown locks over a shoulder.

Madison Seton: I’m gonna be straight with you.  I’m from northeast Wisconsin.  I went to college in Kansas, minus one semester in Philly.  I’m sure you mean well, but?  No entiendo, mi amigo.

Black Sheep Baez: For sure.  I mean, it’s not like this shit is some kinda ghetto Rosetta Stone, but I get it.  I get it all the time, actually, but I don’t think this is about incomprehensible urban verbiage, mon ami.  Naw, I think Madison Seton got something more on her mind.  Whatchu’thinkin?  Lay down the track for us. Tell ya homie ole’ Sheepy Baby what’s botherin ya…

Did he just call himself Sheepy Baby?  He did, and Madison seemingly dodges that to give him the proper response.

Madison Seton: Well… on the one hand?  You’re about to face my sister.  On the other?  You seem like a nice guy here.  So… it’d kinda suck to have to beat you for that title if you DO win here.

She gives an innocent smile but one can see a bit of “come and get it” from her.  That’s a favorite reaction for BSB but he ain’t swoonin.  Nah-nah, he’s all about the challenge.

Black Sheep Baez:  Oohhh snap!  (Snaps fingers) Yo, look, I’m not the type a guy that’s finna upsell somethin that may not even happen, but I do most def enjoy what you’re spittin’.  I didn’t take you to be a smoker, young Madewan, but if you tryin to tell me what I think you tellin me?  Bae you better start callin me Canada cuz…

Sheep wants to ensure Madison gets the point and steps beside her so that she’s in very close ear shot.

Black Sheep Baez: The Setons gonna get…that…SMOKE.

Madison smirks before leaning towards Baez.  She gets next to his ear.  The whisper is almost like one of seduction.

Madison Seton: Do your best, tamalito.

She dips.  Ninja vanish.  Out of the frame in the blink of an eye.  She leaves ya boi solo in the tight shot and light-weight stunned.  He smirks.  Sheepy likes what he hears, and slowly peers over his shoulder.

Black Sheep Baez:…bet.

Slow fade and then cut this baby back to ringside, or wherever the producer calls the shot.