The Bone Brigade Vs. Fear & Loathing
We cut to the backstage area where we find backstage interviewer Abigail Chase standing by with a mic in hand ready to conduct her next interview.
Abigail Chase: Ladies and Gentlemen, please help me in welcoming my guest at this time….Lexi Gold!
Lexi walks into the frame dressed in her gear as she flashes a smile before looking at her.
Abigail Chase: Lexi, you issued a challenge to Laura Seton on the last Ruination show, only for her to reject it and throw the tag team match on the table instead. You agreed, and you selected the current Shut Up and Fight Champion Dan Stein as your partner. However, she chose to have her partner remain a mystery. That match will take place a little later, but with that being said, do you have any guesses as to whom it may be?
Lexi runs a hand through her hair and looks around, trying to weigh her options in her head before responding.
Lexi Gold: Abigail, I’ll be honest with you, I’m really not sure. For all I know, anyone could have agreed to a deal with the devil herself. Not knowing who it is a difficult thing to prepare for, not just for myself, but for Dan Stein as well. He’s just as clueless, but together we will take down both of them and come away with our hands raised.
Abigail Chase: Not getting Laura in a one on one match like you originally intended has to be frustrating to you. Do you believe that match will happen eventually and if so how do you predict that going?
Lexi gets a scowl look on her face over her question.
Lexi Gold: I’ll make sure it happens one way or another, whether she likes it or not. What she did to me by attacking me in the middle of the parking lot a couple of weeks back in front of my fans was horrific, embarrassing, and the ultimate form of backstabbing. Revolution is only the beginning of her disaster waiting to happen.
She storms away in a hurry, leaving Abigail to stand there alone.
SEGATA Vs. Felix Mullen
Suddenly, after the bell, there’s a commotion at ringside, enough so that both the combatants in the ring look to see what it is. SEGATA turns first and reacts with the type of joy that a child has at seeing Santa, and when Mullen turns, he gets blasted in the face with a lamp–lampshade and all!! The crowd breaks into cheers as Pigpen Matsumoto takes far too long to get into the ring and get to standing on his wrecked knees–but doesn’t mess up the cigarette he has clutched in his frowning mouth. Mullen is reeling, trying to get away…but Pigpen calmly steps on his ankle and prevents his crawl!
Scott Kamura: Pigpen Matsumoto is here and he’s bound to make things an even more bloody affair!
Dutch Harris: I think you mean he’s here to silence the political voice of our generation!
SEGATA Holds his hands out as if to say “Please sir, I insist”, or whatever the deathmatch equivalent of such things would be. Pigpen hustles forward and boots Felix in the face, and then…just keeps booting him! And not light ones, either, as Matsumoto begins to drive his heel into Mullen’s cheek, temple, and eyes! He reaches into his pocket, looking to the crowd, who buzz with anticipation at what new innovative weaponry the old deathmatch cavalier has brought.
Scott Kamura: I got a bad feeling about this.
Dutch Harris: I think Felix is about to have a bad feeling, and frankly, none of us should be standing for it!
Scott Kamura: Ring’s right there, Dutch. Feel free!
Pigpen pulls…a fork! But not his standard-issue dinner fork, no–he has a two-pronged carving fork with an antler handle!! The crowd erupts into cheers as Mullen backs away slowly, hands up, begging for mercy! Pigpen is now yelling something at the Zoomer, and he waits, raising his hands up, begging Felix Mullen to stand and defend himself! Mullen scrambles to the ropes and uses them to aid in getting to his feet, never once taking his eyes off of Matsumoto, but…Mullen is standing tall!! This gives Pigpen pause, and his arms drop limp as he tersely nods.
Dutch Harris: Ha!
Scott Kamura: Is Mullen earning the respect of Pigpen Matsumoto right now?
Dutch Harris: He’s a tougher man than you realize, Scoot! That’s real fortitude!
Pigpen finally smiles and walks forward, hand extended. Mullen visibly relaxes in relief, and accepts the handshake–and MATSUMOTO JABS HIM IN THE FOREHEAD WITH THE CARVING FORK!! The crowd erupts, Mullen drops to his knees, and Pigpen hops on top of him, retrieving a microphone from his other pocket!!
He holds the fork against Felix’s cheek, dangerously close to his eye.
Pigpen: Master of Mat. The Match of Death. You.
Dutch Harris: This is a yellow display, a gutless endeavor!
Scott Kamura: Is he…is he challenging him??
Pigpen: [ You are lower than dogshit! ] Mullen! Deathmatch! Yes!!
He holds the mic into Mullen’s face, and we can hear his ragged, labored breaths. Finally, with fear in his eyes, he nods vigorously
Mullen: Yes! Yes! Whatever you want just leave me alone!!
Pigpen nods–blows him a kiss–and stands up. He tosses Felix the carving fork, letting it land on his chest, and raises his arms in triumph as he starts to walk off, pausing to high five SEGATA! Mullen grasps the implement, gingerly at first, before staring absolute murder at the Japanese veteran…and gripping the handle so tight his arm tremors.
Scott Kamura: Folks you’ve heard it here first, at Master of the Mat, hardcore legend Pigpen Matsumoto is squaring off against Felix Mullen in an honest-to-god deathmatch!! Dutch! What do you think of all this?
Dutch Harris: I think that Mullen is going to surprise a lot of people! This is his time to shine!
Scott Kamura: You’re likely alone in that opinion–folks, don;t go anywhere! We’ve got a massive main event, but first, El Paria takes on the Baconator! That’s next!
El Paria Vs. Baconator Martinez
Though he lost, and though he’s watching Gabriel Martinez exit with the victory, El Paria calls for a microphone and the fans are letting him have it, booing and maybe laughing as well.
Dutch Harris: Paria not quite getting the heroes response here, Scott.
Scott Kamura: Well, you know how it is. This kid, Battalion Champion, got a taste of some early success, now he thinks he’s a world beater, but he just lost. He’s been doing a lot of losing lately.
Dutch Harris: Kinda surprising too, when you consider his pedigree.
Scott Kamura: Yeah, but you gotta wonder how seriously he’s taking all of this. I mean, he’s more focused on Madison Seton than his own career right now.
Dutch Harris: True, but… have you seen Madison Seton?
Before Kamura can answer, they’re interrupted by the slapping of the microphone. Paria’s ready to speak.
El Paria: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the one and only, the most fantastical, tremendous, death defying, amazing wrestler in the game today – the man, the myth, the legend – ME. El Paria.
The boos let him know that they don’t agree.
El Paria: Oh, I see you’re still here, trying to soak in the glory of my defeat. Well, let’s just keep it a stack. I don’t care what any of you think. That match was straight horseshit from the start. El Paria Vs. a Wendy’s Sandwich? Seriously!? The referee had it out for me, the fans were against me, and my opponent was nothing more than a lucky loser. This was a farce.
But you know what? I don’t need any of you to validate me. I am the greatest wrestler to ever step foot in that ring, and one… you know, a few… losses isn’t going to change that. In fact, it just fuels me. It reminds me of the countless other times I’ve been knocked down, only to rise up stronger and more powerful than ever before. I’m basically what it would look like if God himself picked a body to wrestle in. I’m just saying.
He smirks, clearly amusing himself.
El Paria: So to all of you dipshit fans out there, keep booing me, keep doubting me, keep underestimating me. Because I promise you, the next time I step into that ring, I will remind the world why I’m called “Main Event Paria”. And when I come out the other side of this whole thing a winner, you’ll all be begging for me to sign your tits, your man boobs, cheering my name, and bowing down to a true wrestling deity… the grappling god in the flesh – me.
See y’all tomorrow when I watch Mads kick the shit out of Tommy Kankles. Fuck y’all.
“On Tap” by Coast Contra hits the PA and Paria throws up two middle fingers as we fade.